Jun 14, 2019

Jenny Craigslist returns (Jenny Craigslist2)

So you want a reliable Cafe/Bobber or some kind of unique ride eh?  Who doesn't, that's a stupid question.

I don't run a fender, but here is proof that I do have one.

Look no further.  Here is a tasteful custom that doesn't look like a 18yr old built it. 
Link to Craigslist add here

1. doesn't have it's ass cut off completely. Modified, not amputated..
2. doesn't have a seat that looks like a caterpillars ass,
3. runs like NEW. Just jump on and ride to Florida.
4. Posture/position is made for real riding, not simply looking cool at coffee shops.

Typically most Craiglist projects start with an old pile of shit.
I went the other direction, buying the best GL1100 out there.
Lowering a bike is a bit harder with air-ride.
But I've got nothing better to do all night long.

So watch Boulder's craigslist in a few weeks.  
Go get some of your kid's college $$, summon an Uber, and ride Jenny home.

My target bike for this project was a 1-owner bike, preferably sold because the owner's geriatric hemorrhoids are got too large for him to ride any longer. This bike below wasn't exactly that the holy grail, but darn close.   Oh, and it wasn't poop brown like most Goldwings.

Step one, Jenny's diet.  This 800lb lady needs to loose 100lbs, and fast.

 Handle bar, crash bars, fog lights and fenders  were trashed.   
The kid requested the windscreen for his "Spaceship" or something or other.
Luggage will store tie down straps in the back of the raptor now.

too bad I cant use these. they look expensive

converted to storage in my truck bed.
now holds chains and tie down straps

This is a 1982 Ipod.

Typically I find bad bikes and spend months fixing them, but this time I found a great bike and spent months ruining it instead.   It came with perfect electrical components.  Even the ugly Vetter components appeared professionally wired (probably a dealer back in 1982).  Perfectly preserved stuff is so nice to work on.  I enjoyed being the first guy to wreck it.   

Off with the"ape-hangers" and on with black flat bars.
  I ordered them extra wide, like I order my condoms.   
Jenny didn't leak a drop of fluid or exhaust.  Moreover the chrome looked new on the exhaust.  So I certainly couldn't paint or wrap it.  That's typically reserved for ugly rusted exhaust.   That chrome survived 36 yrs, I didn't have the heart to tear it off.  Instead I doubled down on that crap with some chrome valve stem covers, woo hoo!

Throttle turns 180 degrees, which "hides" a lot of the motors power.

I've ordered an improved throttle to make things happen faster, hehe!

You have no idea how hard it is to lower an instrument cluster 3/4"
Some things just have to be done, to  make that small 5% difference.

I dig the whisper quiet long tube mufflers on a Goldwing, they look good exposed.
\I don't think a machine should be loud unless it needs to be to perform. 

They didn't leak, and appeared new already.
Seems to me, if you have the forks off you should just reseal them anyway.   

The  reason  most cafe bikes don't have a rear fender is the damn things are HARD to get right.  People try for a week,  have  a few drinks and then say something profane and whip out a sawzall tool.  Know you know why cafe bikes have no ass.   

Bucking convention, I skipped the hipster fender-less bike crap.  After a few beers I bought 4 fenders to attempt various looks.    Once they arrived I cut em up and viola!  a Whitmans sampler of fenders.  The black one that was originally the front fender ended up the final iteration.    If anyone needs 3 spare fenders chopped to shit, they are ready. 

Okay, it's not technically a frame modification.
It's more of a factory seat mount amputation. 

Frame mods?  Glad you asked.  I didn't chop off the rear because it looks too much like you chopped of the rear.  Meaning, I think it's stupid.  

Holes welded up,  and a little sanding.
So glad I bought a MIG welder.  Woo Hoo!
No photo description available.
This is what an OEM front fender looks like after 3 hours of cutting.
Eventually it will make a handsome rear fender that is quite short. 

I know Jenny is slow by today's standards, but I feel she is speedy in a sort of RoadKill kind of way.  Those tiny Honda CB350's everyone is building won't pass an RV on a mountain road like Jenny will.  She may be big boned but having lost so much weight she's anxious to put out. 

The sofa seat was a lot like a sofa seat.  Its for sale if you want it. 
$4,600 and you get a free motorcycle included.  

For the droves of hotties I'll be taking home from various night clubs I figured a cooler saddle was required.  One that says, "sit here on the fender and be completely uncomfortable,"   The new custom seat is brutally uncomfortable as any good custom should be.  Fake crocodile skin was cheaper than brass riveted leather,  Think of it as a vinyl coated brick that costs about the same

The factory seat was so ugly I chose to ride around without one.  
I can't take credit, for the upgraded suspension.  The previous owner upgraded the suspension  to the popular Progressive brand air ride stuff.  Yes it leaked air, but silicone, o-rings and a dab of JB Weld turned off that warning light pretty easily.  Don't you love cheap fixes?  A man is defined by his junk drawer.   

This pretty much sums up Jenny's diet. 
The upside to choosing a project bike that typically weights 1175lb (fully loaded with wife and luggage) is the brakes are pretty darn good.   3 discs, twin pistonred calipers and braided lines all haul this beast down to a stop pretty well. 
Somebody loved these.  Rotors, pads and brake lines are all new.  
Jenny's MOTOR is fine. Not even a puff of  smoke at startup.  With 68,000 miles on the odometer, its possible she's been rebuilt, but it's also possible it's just been well cared for. I've got no clue, but I dig it.  What is apparent is plugs wires and carbs are all sparkly fresh and that's good because carbs are like the moon to me.   Something mysterious goes on inside carburetors that i cannot understand.  It's just unnatural.

Frame guards had to go,  your shins hit them with the new seating position.  

I don't know what we have here.  A Goldwing Custom. Bobber,  Cafe Racer, Flat Tracker, Transcontinental Cafe?  Perhaps simply a Goldwing Sportster.   Whatever it is, it's got a certain character that is awesomely majestic and more unique than most Craigslist Cafe bikes. 

Dec 11, 2018

12 easy steps to ruining a cars originality.

I bought a 40-Anniversary Carrera because it was an amazing amount of car for an amazing price.  I am not afraid to change things up as long as it makes it a better car and is reversible for the purist in me.  You know, in case I need to sell it to fund a hemorrhoidectomy or something.

Black accents, Lower, Louder and Bigger brakes. I'm done for now.
I'd like to think Porsche could have offered such a car in 2004.
Yes, the paint is perfect under that hideous black hood.  
With just 35,000 miles on the odometer and 25,000 on the motor it is freaking NEW!   Most people would assume it was an IMS failure that forced the dealer to buy it back and intal a 997 engine block, but that's pretty unlikely at 10K miles.  Finding any X51 powered car at all is a win because nobody actually bought the X51 package. 

I'd say the Carrera T is my benchmark.  Not overly powerful, but well sorted  for Touring.
It comes with something odd, a warranty.   What would I do without the worry of breakage?

Have you driven an X51?  Do your homework, this was Porsche's "backup" engine in development of the GT3.  Read up and be impressed with me: https://www.40jahre911.com/the-story-of-the-40-jahre-911

The 40Jahre is as close as I'm gonna get to a new 911.  Many people put them away wrapped with baby diapers, like this one.  When the 996 marked didn't explode like the 993 market these cars started to pop up for sale. And like any new sports car, for me it isn't an investment, just a incredibly preserved Porsche that i plan on driving the shit out of.

(yes!  I ended a sentence with a preposition, pretty bold eh?)

Here are my 12 steps to ruining the originality of my car.  

1. Sell the exclusive 40AE luggage to fund this blog

Buying the most maligned Carrera of our time left me with a little money left over but not enough.  So I sold off the exclusive 40 AE luggage to have even more money to play with.  I know I'll kick myself later, but bipolar car disorders come with some regrets.

Ash, enjoy them!    They were sold for some worthy causes below

2. Embrace the 996 Headlights.

I am NOT going to deal with those fried egg lights.  Something this polarizing must be celebrated.  Think of it as Cindy Crawford's mole, but two of em.

I'm going full-on with #FriedEggPride

3.  Pay tribute to the past with Cocomats.  

These old-school mats were common in German cars 40 years ago like Carrera's and 356's.   I think they have a place in an Anniversary Edition car.  Made of woven coconut fibers, we are recycling all that coconut water consumed by hipsters.  

Custom a back window deck , just cut a template and mailed it to them.

Black and white hides Oreo crumbs well.  Good thing.
4. Enhance wheel appearance with overpriced rotors.

The OEM wheels are too good to replace so I opted to enhance behind them instead. Giro-Discs are pretty, and the notable braking improvement was a side benefit.  Lighter than the big 996 Turbo rotors too.

Bigger, lighter, floating design. 
Better than black or red brakes but not equal to yellow.  Painted em blue. 
GiroDiscs are freaking expensive, hence the selling of the luggage 
Do you wanna pack or do you want to stop?  

5. Porsche Sport Exhaust, sort of.Porsche failed by not adding a powerful exhaust note to match the more powerful X51 motor package.   I have rectified this with Fister HD's mufflers, Fister has quickly become the gold standard for Porsche's.  For 10% the cost of the sport exhaust option ($4500) you get the same design w/o the ability to turn it off.   Who the hell would turn it off?  
Recent PCA tour, Bruce's Seal Grey 996's ride height put me to shame. 
Something had to be done, and fast.
6 Stance Stance Stance, $400 The 40 Jahre had the good sport suspension option included but being in the USA they were forced to make it a monster truck for DOT compliance. Some geniuses suggest I need new shocks designed to match my 1/2" drop in height.  I called RUF and they set me straight.  

RUF springs are same spring rate, just a tad lower.
Fister's don't need ceramic coating but I couldn't resist.

7. Making the car recognizable Porsche went all out with a silver that's 10% different, Whoopie Do!   Although GT Silver was an exclusive color, it isn't that distinctive. I solved this with a few hideous satin black accents for bedazlementation.  I'll try to pass them off as OEM. 

Inspired by the new 991T decal.  I think these are pretty understated.
 others have likened it to a tatoo on my face.  Each to his own I guess
Man Cave hooked me up with my "blackening"  thanks guys.
Rock chips are bad in colorado, so why not do some blackening.
8. Vanity Plates
It's easier for fill out Hotel forms if you have a plate you can memorize. 
40 Jahre is German for 40 Fast years


9.  iPhone Mount.
This I can do. And since its from Suncoast, a Porsche specialty company, it costs $45 instead of $10.  Worth every penny.  iPHone mount,   cheap thrills

Magnetic Phone Mount - 996/986
Worth every penny.  iPHone mount,   cheap thrills 

10. Make your passengers comfortable.
While Porsche sells a child seat, but you really want one w/out armrests.  It makes it easier to reach the seat-buckles.

Maxi-Cosi Rodifix is a better fit than anything I've seen before. 
11.  I never found the Ruf Wheels I'd put on space #11
12.  I really thought Apply Carplay would be in slot #12, but turns out you sacrifice too much originality in the forms of wiring modifications.  I just couldn't stand doing that.

Love those hard backs.  Kid loves em too. 
What he doesn't like is the "no snacks" policy.

This is the monster truck stance,  I have not yet photographed it with the European ride height.
Look below and you'll find it soon.

This is lowered to Euro height.  Still clears the curbs and speed bumps.
I'm not a fan of drastic height changes.  This is just how Porsche intended.

Brakes done,   new springs not yet installed in this photo

Pretty sure the black hood should be removed,  but till then it serves as good rock guard.

Sep 19, 2018

Why the hell would anyone buy a 996? The loophole explained.

Because it’s a genius idea, that’s why.   A $100,000 car for the price of a new Accord is the definition of a loophole people!  Naturally it’s controversial, but that is why its so genius.  
40th Anniversary Edition is Porsche's successful attempt to make something special.
Faster than the Carrera S or 4S, this narrow car is the “40 Jahre 911” (#1008 of 1963)  
Still quite attainable, the 40 Jahre will catch on like every other special P-Car does. 

Oh I've heard them, bitching about water cooling, IMS, RMS, headlights etc.  Change is never easy, but I've gotten my head out of my ass and bought one.  I can hear them now.

“Hey Mark, how the hell did Adam get back into the car club?”
“He bought a 996, so we had to let him in, technically it is a Carrera.”

In addition to fancy badges, the 40 Jahre had a very fancy X51 performance engine, fancy suspension,
fancy painted interior trim, fancy colored leather, fancy alcantara headliner, fancy paint from the Carrera GT, 
fancy turbo front bumper and fancy wheels.  Fancy fancy fancy.

Engineering flaws have drug the prices down, much further than the real risk.

The 996 wasn’t developed directly from racing as earlier cars were.  That showed in engine reliability which people rightfully fear.  If you want details tough, I can’t share because its bad luck to speak or write about.  Short version:  Bearings and cylinders should not fail, and when they do it aint cheap.  If one understands the risks going into a purchase he/she can get one hell of an automobile for his dollar.  Understanding the risks means reading all the shitty blogs (like his one) and having a plan, not just crossing your fingers.

These risks are real and would keep any car guy up at night.  Shop for cars that have the scariest issues already mitigated or budget to mitigate them yourself.  But don't fear everything,  the internet and paranoia has made people a little nutty here.  Each situation is more unique than you might think, so get some guidance on the car in question and pay for that advice.  Meaning, free advise is worth what you paid for it.  If the issues still keep you up at night buy a warranty, get a Kia Stinger or just take Ambien like I will. 

I’ve personally forgiven Porsche for the unreliability of the past 20 years   That’s not to say I feel the 996 is equal to its predecessors; it isn’t.  Frankly, those incredible predecessors are gone for me, so   I've stopped looking back at cars with crappy a/c and scary handling.  Look forward at the $12-30,000 Carreras on Craigslist right now. The time to strike is last year.   Oh, and dare I say it....

These cars are also superior to their predecessors in many ways too.   Let the hate mail begin.
Clearly visible here the 40 Jahre has no 996 cylinder issues due to the enhancement of the X51 package.  
For those unfamiliar with Carreras: the engine is between the luggage and the spare. 
IMS and RMS issues inherent to 996's have been addressed on this one..  
Lastly,  the Porsche Anniversary luggage set makes me feel fancy inside.  

The available body colored hard back sport seats are NOT ugly?  They are however, uncomfortable.

They are ugly and like strippers, ugly does not fetch top dollar.

True, but they’re only ugly because they’re so unattractive.   Those headlights suck and Porsche back pedaled with the 997's design due to the outcry. That back pedaling sealed the 996's fate as the ugliest Carrera in history. Now that hideousness can be your savior in the form of savings.    For me, I wear bifocals now, so who really cares?

The ugliest Carrera ever made is not necessarily the ugliest sports car ever made. At the end of the day it is still a freaking Porsche and it’s a spectacular sports car.  Just park far from the 993's at Cars and Coffee.

Truthfully, I think the headlights are actually attractive, just different.  Relax, it's just a f#!king headlight, not a nose-ring.

Speaking of ugly,  why didn't Porsche upgrade the brakes to fill out behind the wheel better? 
Stay tuned for my plan.

They are middle aged, and nobody likes that.  Not even middle aged people

These have hit the bottom of their market.  Couple that w/a bottom that is lower than warranted due to hideousness and unreliability and you get you end up with the loophole of which I'm speaking.  You have got to know the shittiest Porsche is still one of the coolest cars in the world.  People are paying $30,000 for VW powered 914's for crying out loud!  I’m not going to build a chart for you because I've lost my crayons, but wouldn’t your rather own a Carrera?  

Here’s how to look at it to fully embrace my genius.  Stop comparing  996's to older and newer Carreras and compare them to sports cars you can afford.  Which do you want?  Can you mitigate the risks to your satisfaction? Do you have sleeping pills?  If you buy carefully, and plan ahead for the unexpected you can drive an amazing car and we can then be friends, because you'll be cool like me.    

996 40 Jahre rear badge is unique, as are the body colored rear bumpers.
In this world of over sensitivity, I''ll clarify for the sarcasm-challenged.  I think the car is magnificent looking.  It is a tremendous automobile,  to drive it is a pure joy, especially when driving fast.  My son fits in the back and spending time together w/him in the 996 will be some of the happiest moments I've had in a while.

Quality information instead of smart ass remarks can be found at  The 40 Jahre Story